butterflies

my mind is racing at all times.

every time i think of the things that have happened, i get upset. i don't know what to make of all this, the duality of the situation. jealousy, rage, anger plastered in behind memories of love and happiness and this current situation.

i wonder how he feels each day that passes? are we not both the same in one sense, the woman and child? it pains my heart more than i can really say. i'm not made for all of this. honestly, if i'd have known this was the way it was going to be, an uphill battle and me raising this child alone and in the shadow of some other woman, i don't know that i would have done it.

that isn't to say that i don't love samadhi royal, it's the exact opposite. i feel blessed to wake up every morning with him in my arms, smiling at me. i just didn't want to have to go through the entirety of it alone. i was not ready to go this alone, not ready to bear a life of another when mine was in turmoil. from the moment i found out to each second spanning into the future, i have never felt so abandoned. and so soon. for the past year, i have held onto a foolish hope that is driving me further and further from happiness.

where is my coping mechanism? am i so weak now? i will take the baby down to search out his history. we will wallow in the mythology of his beauty, about the magic from which he was created. it's a shame that this his life is marred with the tragedy of our mistakes. i'm going to hide it from him, and give him laughter and a beautiful life.